Fun facts I learned about El Duce, the late lead singer of the Mentors, from Al Jourgensen’s autobiography “Ministry: The Lost Gospels According to Al Jourgensen”

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El Duce was the lead singer of the debauched punk-metal band The Mentors. They became notorious in the mid-1980s during the Congressional hearings over wicked rock music and were called “the worst of the worst” of all bands recording at the time. Lyrics from their song “Golden Showers” are part of the Congressional record: “Bend up and smell my anal vapor / Your face is my toilet paper.” Sorry, but that s–t is funny!

Here are some of the highlights about Ministry’s Al Jourgensen’s brief friendship with Duce during the late 1980s/early-mid 1990s. Considering how debauched Jourgensen’s autobiography gets, the fact that Duce outdebauched Jourgensen is really saying something.

1. Al Jourgensen first met El Duce on the floor of a bathroom in San Francisco, naked from the waist down, lying in a pack of Dorito chips and vomit. Duce announced to Jourgensen that he had gone to high school with Jourgensen’s drum player. Duce then pissed all over himself, threw up, and passed out in his vomit, urine, and Doritos. Jourgensen helped Duce get himself together and take him to reunite with his drummer. When his drummer saw Duce, he almost stormed out and bailed on the show. Apparently, Duce allegedly attacked his drummer’s sister.

2. Duce tried to have sex with Jourgensen’s mom … in front of Jourgensen’s stepdad. Duce said, “Hey, that’s a pretty hot little b—h,” tackled Jourgensen’s mom, and tried to hump her. Jourgensen had to stop him by breaking a beer bottle over Duce’s head.

3. Duce used to go into Walgreens and steal Listerine and Scope because they had alcohol in them. Unfortunately, he would drink the mouthwash in the store, pass out, and then get arrested for theft.

4. Duce got so drunk one night he passed out. Jourgensen and his bandmates put lipstick on him and dressed him in women’s lingerie. They left him underneath the ice machine of the hotel. When the maids discovered him, they freaked out and started hitting him with a mop and spraying him with cleaner. Duce looked down at himself and said “What are you hitting me for? I look godd–n good today!”

5. Duce and his band the Mentors got paid $20,000 in beer to record an album. They got so messed up they never got halfway through a song before passing out. To add insult to injury, they recorded the album on a microcassette (the type of tape that used to be in answering machines) and turned in the microcassette to the record label. I don’t believe that album was ever released.

This clip is from the infamous Nick Broomfield documentary “Kurt & Courtney” where Duce claimed that Courtney Love offered him $50,000 to “whack” Cobain. While Cobain conspiracy theorists believe that Duce’s subsequent death in 1997 was due to his admission of this plot, it was likely due to the types of things that happen when you’re a degenerate drunk and proud of it. Duce got demolished by a train when he was wasted and tried to play “chicken” with an oncoming train to impress some fans. Unfortunately, his leg got stuck on the track and realizing his death was imminent, continued to “Sieg Heil” the train before it demolished him.

By the way, Jourgensen’s autobiography “Ministry: The Lost Gospels According to Al Jourgensen” is simultaneously hilarious and horrifying. It’s one of the wildest rock and roll memoirs ever written and makes Motley Crue’s “The Dirt” look like “The Bridges of Madison County.”

“Sex Dwarf” – Soft Cell

From 1981’s now-classic Soft Cell album “Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret” comes “Sex Dwarf,” the scandalous album track that that no doubt caused many parents to get apoplectic back in the day when their kids brought home the album due to their love for the smash single “Tainted Love.”  The song is legitimately creepy and the hard R-rated video the band shot for the song (with S&M gear and raw meat) is fairly disquieting.  That video (directed by Tim Pope) is easily found on YouTube, but I’m not posting a link to it, because you can find that on your own.  Actually, I discovered something that is WAY more disturbing … this is an online video created by some twisted genius who synced some Teletubbies video to the song.  Yes, everything in the video is G-rated, but when you watch the Teletubbies with the sounds of “Sex Dwarf,” trust me, this is a serious mindf–k that rivals any David Lynch or Alejandro Jodorowsky film.  Proceed at your own risk.

“God Save the Queen” – The Archies

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And YOU thought the Sex Pistols invented punk rock … Pshaw! Here’s living proof that Archie Andrews … along with Reggie, Jughead, Betty, and Veronica were sticking it to the British royals long before Johnny Rotten hocked his first loogie. However, I am puzzled why Archie and gang would hate dear old Brenda so much.

“96 Tears” – ? and the Mysterians

A really nasty piece of garage punk that also managed to be a #1 hit back in 1966.  Yes, it was originally called “69 Tears” (snicker-snicker, nudge-nudge), until the band was forced to change the title.  Key lyrics: “And when the sun comes up, I`ll be on top …  You`ll be right down there, looking up … And I might wave, come up here … But I don`t see you waving now.” Ouch!  That organ feels like a persistent tap on the shoulder for the entire length of the song … just enough to make you feel edgy and uneasy.   Pleasant dreams.

“Cleanflix” (2009) dir. Andrew James and Joshua Ligari

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“Cleanflix” is a riveting documentary about a number of companies during the early part of the 2000s who sold and rented edited versions of PG-13 and R rated films to people who wanted to see popular films, but didn’t want to be exposed to violence, sexuality, nudity, or profanity. These companies, most of whom were housed in Utah, would edit the films themselves and to skirt anti-privacy concerns, they would require the customer to buy a legitimate copy of the movie and the companies would edit the film themselves, sending the customer a copy of the “clean” version.  The creative community in Hollywood was understandably upset with the way these companies edited their films and eventually got many of the companies shut down through legal means. However, a few rogue companies and dealers tried to stay in business, mistakenly using a loophole in “fair use” laws, claiming the edited films were for “educational” use. Eventually, these companies were shut down as well.

“Cleanflix” provides a detailed look at this controversy, going into some of the odd decisions the edited film movement would make regarding certain films.  For example, the edited version of “Fargo” apparently showed the beyond-gruesome wood-chipper murder scene in graphic detail, but cut out some dialogue regarding an uncircumcised penis.  In addition, some companies apparently provided PG-rated versions of the “Saw” films (a group of films routinely referred to as “torture porn”), but refused to sell or rent an edited version of “Brokeback Mountain” for so-called “general principles.”  Mmmm-kay.

The documentary also centers on one dealer, Daniel Thompson, who became the face of the edited films movement, despite the objection of many of the people involved behind the scenes (including the original company called Clean Flicks, whom Thompson was never a part of, aside from being a buyer of their films). Thompson attempted to stay in business despite the court orders and became a popular interviewee for various news programs and talk shows.  Thompson earned the enmity of his fellow edited film advocates for many reasons detailed in the film, but later became embroiled in a severe moral and legal scandal, which involved him pleading no contest to sexual battery of two 14-year old girls in 2008.

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_10342956

Arguably the most telling summary of the documentary came from Noel Murray’s and Scott Tobias’s Onion AV Club’s review of the film from 2009: “The real story isn’t just about intellectual property; it’s about the daily difficulties that the devoutly religious have in trying to participate in mainstream American culture while retaining as much of the purity of their own beliefs as they can. To some extent, the filmmakers fighting the clean-up business are contending that their work grapples with the ugly, messy, sexy world that some Mormons would rather not confront, and that the PG versions actually do their viewers a disservice. Certainly what ultimately happens to Daniel (in turns of events loaded with irony upon irony) proves that avoiding R-rated movies may not mean that you avoid an R-rated life.”  Well put.

However, as much as I agree with the Hollywood filmmakers who objected to their work being tampered with, I would agree with one point the edited film advocates make:  Hollywood frequently creates sanitized versions of their films available for airplanes and television.  Why aren’t these versions made available to people on a retail level who might enjoy them?  The advocates requested that Hollywood make these versions available for sale and rental and the studios responded that there was no market for these edited versions … an assertion discounted by the vast number of people who purchased and rented edited films from these dealers.  Granted, as copyright holders, the studios and filmmakers can do whatever they want with their intellectual property.  However, since many studios have increasingly licensed their older catalog titles to other companies for release on DVD and Blu-Ray, why would they close off another source of revenue, even if all they did was license the edited versions they already created to another company?  It wouldn’t cut into the sales of the unedited films, because the audience who would want the edited films aren’t buying them anyway.  And, as long as it was clear that what was being sold was an edited version (with the option of the filmmaker taking his / her name off the edited version if they so chose), I wouldn’t see an issue with it.  Of course, that subject is open to debate, but I will say the edited film folks make a legitimate point.

“The Knight Ain’t Long Enough” – Genya Ravan

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Genya Ravan is one of those performers who has always been highly regarded, had multiple chances at the brass ring, but never quite got the success she so richly deserved. She’s also a kick-ass producer, having been the production brains behind The Dead Boys’ 1977 classic “Young, Loud, and Snotty.”

“The Knight Ain’t Long Enough” is from her “Urban Desire” album from 1978. Ravan is a fantastic, gutsy vocalist and this cougar anthem is so ferocious and so heavy, it would make Warren Beatty and Mick Jagger go home crying to their mothers. Key lyrics: “I’ve got a bottle of wine … a couple of lines … C’mon sweet thing, don’t make me lo-oo-oo-se my mind!!!!” Yowsah!

And yes, Ravan, is banging a cowbell in this clip. However, your snark should proceed with EXTREME caution. Ravan means business here and unless you’re ready to drop trou and get busy, she’ll eat you alive, hipster boy. Along with Garbage’s “Bad Boyfriend,” this is my favorite “bad girl” song of all time.

“Sex on Wheelz” – My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult

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It’s Friday night … time to get your freak on to something completely sleazy … this time from the early 1990s. I don’t know what they’re going for in this video. It’s like some crazy hybrid between 80s glam metal, Dee-Lite, and Nine Inch Nails. It’s what passed for “alternative culture” before the popularity of Nirvana ironically codified it into a rigid, definable style. I love Nirvana, but as the years go by, I find the “alternative culture” that flourished before Nirvana’s popularity more charming.  It’s kind of like the early – mid 1970s before the Sex Pistols caught on (i.e. New York Dolls, the Dictators, Iggy and the Stooges, Pentagram), when certain folks were grasping for a style and weren’t quite sure what they put out would be cool or not.  They just let their freak flag fly because they felt different and they did whatever the hell felt right.

“Stone Cold Crazy” – Queen

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Arguably the first thrash metal song. Yes, Queen was doing campy bombast at the same time they composed this little number. But the fact that this slammin’ song could appear on the same album as “Killer Queen” really speaks to how diverse Queen was as a band back in the day.

As a bonus, here’s Metallica’s inevitable, but still smokin’ cover.

“Smartphone” – The Bayonets

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THE best song of 2013 I’ve heard so far … and a former selection by Stevie Van Zant as “Coolest Song in the World” on his Sirius Underground Garage radio station … is “Smartphone” by the Bayonets. Seriously, who can resist that swingin’ drum sound, those nasty guitars, and that organ craftily insinuating its way into your brain?  This is some seriously cool s–t!