“I Melt With You” – Modern English

If you came of age in the 1980s, “I Melt With You” likely brings back a lot of special memories: the romantic montage with Nicolas Cage and Deborah Foreman from “Valley Girl,” that high school or college mixer you attended, maybe even that retro 80s party you went to. I, too, have a special memory of this song. Though, admittedly, it’s a little … different.

Let’s go back to my college days. I’m taking Italian and I develop a mad crush on one of my classmates, flirting with her all semester. And when I say flirting, I mean staring at her until she looks in my direction and I then quickly avert my eyes back to my book. Real sophisticated … I know.

Anyway, one night, some friends and I go to someone’s keg party and lo and behold, I see the cute girl from my class. She doesn’t appear to be with any guy and when she sees me, she smiles like she recognizes me. I’m now perplexed on how to proceed. Should I hang back with my friends and work my way over? Or should I just walk up to her and start talking? At that moment, “I Melt With You” comes on the stereo and suddenly, I get inspired. I don’t know whether it’s this wonderful song that’s igniting the fire in my heart … or maybe it’s just the shot of 151 rum I downed earlier with my friends … but I know exactly what I need to do. That’s right … a beer bong. Now, you’re probably asking why I thought a beer bong would impress a beautiful young woman. And my answer would be: because guys in their early 20s are idiots.

Anyway, I throw my hand up and someone gets the beer bong ready. I put my thumb in the bottom of the tube, the beer goes into the funnel, and I start to down the beer. Except that things don’t go exactly as planned. I’m not quite sure what happened over the next four seconds because frankly I couldn’t see anything. However, I did hear about 20 people alternately gasp and laugh hysterically.

Instead of the beer going into my stomach and staying there, the beer went back up my esophagus, through the back of my mouth, through my nose … and all over the lovely gal from my Italian class. To say this poor girl was drenched in beer, stomach bile, and nasal bile was an understatement. It was a mortifying moment for both of us. However, to her immense credit, she was actually very cool about it and accepted my multiple apologies graciously.

Now, after a story like this, I’m sure you’re expecting a cute punch line like we eventually dated and got married, or even that we made out later that night. Let’s just say that I left the party the same way I came in … single and (not particularly) sexy.

I’m not quite sure whatever happened to the cute … and way cooler than she needed to be … lass from my Italian class. However, if she’s reading this now, please accept my apologies again. My offer for a new sweater still stands.

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